For these past 3 days, I stay awake and sleep around morning. Reason?
I don’t know as I still want to fix my sleep schedule, but more likely it’s not going to be but I have my reasons, of course.
It’s because of how I’m not sleepy or can’t fall asleep easily, and as the result, couple days already I decided just, to cook for lunch in after dawn.
As simple as I learn about my body, I realize that, if I get up late, I missed cooking for lunch, and my parents had to go out to restaurant, which if for every day, it’s not good for them as their age these days, plus, expenses increase. Except if both of them have meetings or few groceries stuff to buy.
So for couple of days, I think if it’s just how I feel good, just alright to go with how my body is rather than to force my body sleep, it’s somehow stress me out. I don’t like that either. That’s when I think, why not just stay awake – after dawn, cook for lunch so there’s foods. Done early, I can go to bed as my eyes will start to get sleepy. It’s just like nurses who stay awake for night shift, of course they’ll get sleep at daylight.. If not, when? They need to sleep too.
So I think, it’s not wrong at all. True at night where our body feels good and energetic in the morning, but maybe some people just don’t. Maybe, me also? I still observe myself, my body time to time these days. It’s stressing sometimes, but that’s why I ended up just what I put in this post, I just go with how my body is.
Okay. That’s pumpkin’s flowers but I don’t think it will grow a pumpkin even..
My sleep schedule is not really good, obviously my brain active more at night and still trying to at least have my sleep at night.
So. Recently or, like, these past few weeks I’m working on something. Something that I love too, just like how I love doing my artworks. Which I decided to share with you guys in here, soon. And for this latest one too.
It’s, well.. Actually, something that I’ve been doing years. But stop for a long time. Like, my after secondary school era. So it was so long ago I stopped doing it. But these past years, which I can’t remember before or at early beginning of pandemic, or a year before pandemic hit…? I started doing it again! I was like, “I still get itttt”. Crazy to think about it, and so, I’ve been working on about it.
I’ll be sharing in here, time to time, as I said before, but I think I’ll be sharing my artwork things first of all, before this latest one. So….
Try to keep up here too while did it something new.
Yes, did it. And, people say write if you feel something right. Here I am.
As an artist, visual artist, I’ve always or constantly have doubts. True, as a human and as a person, and I believe many of us, you out there too.
We can’t avoid it, I think? It’s a tough question sometimes I wonder, as in my field, art scene, it’s always a need for artists, singers, performers, actors, actresses, musicians, dancers, and even designers and crafters and even writers, bloggers – all of them, all of these people needs to be confident, almost at all times, as to me, as artist myself. But of course people in other fields too. It’s, I think, part of us? Having doubts..? Or we human shouldn’t have it? What do you think, you can comment, but not to correct in this matter, as I write on behalf of myself.
Doubts, it can comes and goes, I think and believe it’s depending. Depending on how a person upbringing, their surroundings, with who they mingle around with, their capabilities of thinking which one I think the most important part of us, and suchlike. It’s a contribution to us, which develops us into who we are in this world, and on society.
Doubts, it even causes a lot in our minds. Even thing like age can be a topic. True is, it’s not us personal point of view when comes to age topic, but society’s. Maturity and age always being links together, while in reality, it can’t, not much or always. People told that our maturity even thinking must come close, or must be exact like our age – while in reality, it can’t be. It’s different from each one of us, like I said, different upbringing and all. You can be 27 but your personality and all doesn’t look like and it’s okay! Even if you’re in 30s, it’s alright. I believe our maturity comes naturally, plus with all we experience in life.
So…. Why, doubts? I myself feel like it, time to time. And I noticed how in my field constantly campaigning to us artists, to be confident, like seriously. Which I think I have hard time to be so, while at the same time, I’m trying. Which to me, it can be toxic. Positive thinking being told, none stop, time to time, until some people started talking about “toxic positivity”, explained – at the end of the day, go with how your body feels but not too much until you can’t be down or dealing with your doubts.
Not easy to remove doubt and have confidence. No. It’s taking time. It’s taking effort and energy. Not having a confidence is one of topic that, to me, people just simply say, “you can do it”, “be positive”, and such, while in reality, some of us dealing with trauma, some with burnout, some with medical condition, or even struggling that come again and again, that some people don’t see it or even know it.
With doubts, even I feel like it, time to time I telling myself to keep on going, while there’s doubt inside. Because I did something which I will share in here in the future, if I want to. Art related too. This one too, takes time, so yea. But although I have doubts I just said to myself, “let’s just do this again, this time!”
So… You can be positive while you feel doubt about something, but we have to keep on going.. That’s all I can do, and we can be, but every each one of us different, so this one is just on mine. If you out there have no doubt at all, that’s something. Keep on going.
Just remember, take our time when we feel like, whatever we feel at the moment.
For some reasons I just feel like to blog out, write out, put out, name it, that’s what I feel like right now.
It’s just hard whenever there’s thing we couldn’t stop thinking or we just keep thinking about it.
Sensitive or easily effected by some sort of opinion although we disagree, or anything else, like example, how we handle stuff in the kitchen just the way we want it rather than other’s way of handling, it’s hard to over it if it constantly in mind. It’s not healthy.
When come to this topic, someone ever told me, the only way is to – let go.
And to each one of us, different effect different ways of overcoming it. Because whatever we go through, struggling in our life, each one of us have different events, moments, or past. It’s something we can’t tell people easily too, “just let it go”, no it’s not. But in my case, that someone told me with feeling of support for me at the time. And because of that, I hold on to those words and advice until now, and I guess forever..
It’s hard for me still, to put the word. But by now you read this, you will know what I’m saying.
I’ve been dealing it by myself. Only open details to people I comfortable the most. I hardly put or write out about anything that I consider personally private. Even my personal ones, I hardly put out. But in this matter, or anything of my personal experience, or things, I can now, but I only put out a tip of mine. And to do this even tough for me.. But I try, every day. As someone I met last year, telling me there’s nothing wrong to talk about personal things to people, by right no mention and detail of the person.. And as I learned, it’s true that everybody does.
And so I learned to let go. Actually even from someone who told me to do so, to let go.. A friend of mine. Who already passed but forever I hold on to the words I’ve been told by..
And recently, I started told myself, if I feel no good for my health from some people, specially for mental and emotional health.. I think and decide what’s best for myself, I’ll set boundaries. To anyone. Just any.
As realised, I did, to some people already. Where if I hold on to what’s my boundaries is, and if it’s been crossed over, I may not have interactions with them. And I feel like, can say I feel better. Although I still will have very very few little responses towards them, I just decided not to take the conversation or the answer to the extent. And I found out, that’s how I deal with these all and how I do, one step to let go, so the matter or a matter won’t play in mind for a long time.
I found out so many people did write and share in here too, about this thing, this matter. Still hard for me, but I just hope people who read, know that you’re not going through it alone. And can open up to one you feel comfortable the most. Or, if you want to share, I think it can be an awareness too, for others to know and learn about it.
And yes…. I think I do put or write out, or do my scrapbook, and focus on my artwork, or even do my gardening, it’s what I do to get to letting go process, and as I said mine, where I set boundaries with people around me. And I found out it’s work for me so far, not easy but it work. And yea… Remind myself that I can’t control everything.
So….. I hope to anyone who have tough times with letting go things like that, you can do it.
It’s been a while since last update and it was on January??
The thing was, I’ve been dealing with stuff and it was that my Sony smartphone was broken.. I can’t update since, as it was on off on off – it can’t be started, it’ll shut down less than a minute, and so, I don’t have access to my phone and Internet, obviously. As how I back? Yes, big brother gave me his old smartphone, it’s good and yes using it now.
But it was such a deep decision to make for me to installed all apps that I’ve been using from my Sony smartphone. And WordPress app just installed hours ago.
So what’s with my things and life?
I think it’s a month now, I infected with Covid…….. It was something that I never thought, I will, after 2 years and half, taking care of myself, sanitize every single time I went out, wearing face mask, like…… It’s crazy to think it, specially how I infected with it in the first place..
The experience just, it all started with when my nostril, felt so painful, I had lozenges like 3 of it, and woke up my throat felt like it was expended and bubbly kind of like scratchy, and I started to feel aching around my upper back shoulders, at the same time I started to had this hot and cold sensation of fever….. It was seriously, in my mind I thought it was just a normal sore throat that caused all of it as from my health history, back when I was in school, that usually I ended up with fever and flu and cough later on but at the same time. So I thought that was it.
Until, the fever pattern was weird. In the morning, yes I’m on fever but the sensation like cool, mild hot as it fever, and I felt hot, as sunlight and heat all together, so it was not that bad. But changed when night came, I was felt so cold like seriously cold, until I became like fetus position with my blanket on. It was so so cold, with fever! Yes, I was tired, fatigued as we aware of the symptoms of Omicron – it’s one of it right. So I could say I was infected by it. Flu like yes but I had sneezing, and I had cough, and now I’m on my Long-Covid phase……
I felt bad as later on, my father started to show the same symptoms. Only at the time I started to feel “this is not usual sore throat”, and I was a bit better at the time. Later that night, I and family decided to get the Covid19 test kit. For each one of us in the house. We all did, as the result both of my parents are positive…… I was negative, and at the time I was two or three days done, passed from my quarantine phase, but I’m sure it was me that caught the virus……… I felt bad, I just so frustrated….. But alhamdulillah, both of my parents are well. We just have cough now. And it’s tiring with the cough..
Hm yea I feel frustrated, still a bit, but it happened already but at least with vaccines and booster, I hope we all well, and hope that the cure for after effect of Covid will be discover soon, one day.. I just hope it will slowly away and gone, if it’s not gone at least we tackle it so it will just slow and slowing down. I just hope that.
As for now, please do take care all the time, always even though most countries have no strict rules anymore regarding Covid.
As so, can say that a lot has happened. I mean it like really. As last week my/our home area, where we live are hit by flood. And as so far, most who live in the area are still have to deal with the results such as cleaning up what they can save. Aids from NGOs and government still coming to our area, in and out. Alhamdulillah me and family are okay… I will continue on new post, if I feel like it.
So… Things are slowly back to how it is, as for me and family. As for myself, I managed to plant new kangkung. Here’s quick one, photos.
The day before, I had to make few holes on this bin. Because before I had this bin ready, I didn’t make it.. How stupid to think back. But I learn, and of course we all do..
I plant using kangkung that I bought from market, as they’re come with roots, this what I usually do. Kangkung, as in English Water Spinach is easy one, to me at least, because if you do with this method, just make sure to save it in a cup or whatever (if it’s late to plant it or gardening), so it won’t quickly softening to become rot. You can feel the steam become hard as for crunchy, slowly as time passes. This is just from my observations of course.
So I’m waiting for how things with it. For something else, I just took some photos around.
Just had my time walk around. Since I plan on set up an area for my small garden, which near our house.
Photos I took, my baby Spinach, need to replant them all soon. Small red butterfly on our wildly grow Kaduk plant, people in here have it as ulam. Our Ms. Kembang just came across to eat whatever she knows what. Our 2 in 1 citrus family tree, one root but two different trees, one are, we called limau kasturi or lime, kind of lime, another one are lemon, you can see the yellow colour? Yes, that already ripe actually I should pick it soon. Last one, my boots, myself, standing in front of wild flowers. I did wrote about it in my previous post.
So.. That’s all. I slowly get back to my routine, which is a bit hard, as I went through personal matter, which well.. Still do.. I will write about it and the impact that whole of it, the results of it.. This year is the toughest one, personally for me, I think.. (?)
Okay. So I take it slowly, getting back to what I usually do and feel. I hope you all too.
I did some changes on this section, “Some Talk” to “Some Thoughts”, because I’m not talking but just writing.. So, yeah.
Still ongoing MCO. The thing is, done my first vaccine alhamdulillah..!. Please do get yours, don’t wait.
Lately.. There’s something about, I’ve been thinking or wondering. As some of my posts about – a turning point in our lives. This time something that, kind of play role in life itself. As we human, not only enjoy our time, doing something we love only, there’s something that along with all we doing, I think.
This is my bitter gourd plants that grows healthy, so far..! Hope they all grow out well soon.
As I’ve been working on my veggies, gardening, and clean up my sisters’ room, sometimes some thing like, bang up time to time in my mind. It’s not my thing to talk about or even mention in conversation, usually, but, it’s just like wondering..?. I mean – love.
Here are just my personal opinion or view. I say it as in generally, to me.
But, as human, we have feelings. And so it’s effects our physical, emotions, and soul. The thing is, I just like, I don’t know what to say or comments when come to the topic. Say, some people can straight forward saying how much they want to be married and have family. Or, what kind of date night they would want to set. Many other things, in this one particular life phase, I called it?.
But it becomes one of that I can’t really say like many others do. Reason is, I think, because how many stories about it are just.. Sadden me up..?.
Somehow somewhat, it’s give me some kind of dilemma. Caught in between?. I believe some people do feel like it. I think it’s because how some stories being share or news that we hear, watch, or read, or know, involved two people, in love, but the relationship – somehow, not working, abuse involved, and many more, that I can’t even write in here.. It’s just sad, because we know that love is something beautiful – at least what we’ve been told.
Love – one thing that I think, it’s a feeling that stands of from many feelings and emotions. Like, crying. Could it be a joyful one, or hurtful one. It’s a feeling that involves intimacy, conquering physical, emotional, and mental and soul. So.. It’s supposed to be all in are beautiful, isn’t it?.
And if it’s beautifully all ways, surround us, it’s must be something that not pressuring or stressing, aren’t it?. I think, it’s human that cause it’s a hurt and broken matter or topic these days. And because of this, I just don’t know what to say or comments.. But some will say, happen to them. Well.. I could say, to some people, they have one in this world. And to some others, they may not meant to.. And this is just so, so hurt to me to know.. Because, somehow somewhat, it’s most people that full with love, effort, care, and such, that not get what they deserve.. In this time of era. Like, seriously..
This is a topic. And it’s totally different in every each one of us, so, I can’t say much. Just I don’t know when come to this matter, and “I don’t know” or “entah lah” in my language is usually added in my answer at the end, when relatives open talk. I say my opinion then I don’t know. Just that, it’s unclear, I guess. With how human these days?. Yea, love is fading.
It’s been awhile, but I think it’s alright.. Try to keep up again, and again.. That’s me I guess..?
How about you out there?
Here again, as I just sat on wooden chair, outside of our home, with my little sister’s cat, Sepet. The air was just nice, cool, and of course it is as I shot this about less than 10 minutes before 7pm.. My country time.
Nothing much I do. I just sat and patted Sepet, while chill out, look at the sky.. Few days ago there was rain, non stop, and two days already no rain and sunny day, hot, you can even hang some clothes and it will dry and crisp.. I like the smell somehow..
Like early this year, and now passed half year, my country still on MCO – Movement Control Order. As we know, pandemic still happening and sad to know that 6 days before Tokyo Olympic 2020 start, we got the news at the Olympic Village.. I really hope to watch it when it starts soon, of course to watch my athletes from my country to go one on one, at least there’s something we can do while facing MCO and pandemic and all.. Not feeling so off at home and reality.
But, although it’s half year already, I still dealing with personal matter, privately personal matter, which I like to call and totally no details or what’s so.. I dealt once, early this year. But I don’t know why or what, but I started to wonder again – are we really like, can feel like we’re in change to the next phase of life?. Like from baby, to adolescent, to adult, but that’s physical. I mean in spirituality or something like we’re getting old or something like, has to do with our soul..?. Like, from party and carefree and without realize, slowly we like change – like we’re not like who we used to be, like a year ago?.
I think, and believe that many of us do feel it. I don’t know personally, but I just wonder, maybe it is?.
Yet.. Somehow somewhat, some people have or get the best way of life, in their lives.. Some didn’t, or people said “not your time yet”. Which I just don’t know about it, or what to say.. Because some people, did everything as best as they could ever give. Yet.. It’s like, they hurt in same thing, same way, just from different people in their lives or matter, specifically I mean.. It’s really something that, they wish they could erase or not go through it.. Life, it’s weird.
Well, I guess.. That’s what life is?
Even in this pandemic, we see lots of things – from politic, to economy, to society help each other, some part protest, some fight, weather it’s for good reason, it happens when there’s bad….?.
Like, the Moon even shine in dark, with stars around. Like sunlight after rainstorm, there’s rainbow.. Life, ups and downs, what goes around, come around.. We human, and life itself, has a phase, I think..?.
Crazy, isn’t it…..?
Well, see if you can spot the Moon at early twilight from my photos. Stay safe people.
Morning here. Need my nap soon. Which I should already..
I love morning time. What I mean by, where it’s around 8am, like that. Misty fog start to get clear. Cool breeze yet, there’s sunlight already. Leaves full with small spots of water.. It’s feel fresh and calm, which I really love to feel again.
But, as my sleep schedule just mess, I just feel I need to fix it. I need to. At the same time, which I think it’s not only me, but many others out there, where – the more we try to fix, the more it’s not working. I’ve been in for long time. I don’t like that. I love to go walk around my house ground, seeing flowers and my small garden.. Which now I’m not doing it, but after Eid, I’ll back to it.
So, it’s hard. Sleep is important. To some, it’s matter of hours of sleep. They don’t mind about at night or morning, any time, if you sleepy, just go. Which I agree. But I have things that need to be done, every day, so need sunlight – natural light, since I do outdoor work. Only at night I’ll be able to do my artworks.
I read some said – if you up and walk in early of morning, not only it’s good for physical, but also to mind, mentally and emotionally. It’s boost our overall health, which I think it’s true. Also for like our focus?. I think. That’s why I feel like I need to fix. For people who have hard time to fall asleep, really, we’re not joking about we can’t sleep or hardly to lay down, close our eyes, and just like that, sleep. No, it’s crazy. Even the sleep schedule is good, for sometime, after awhile it can break and the cycle to fix it, not easy.
A bit pressure to do it. But to me, I just need to, and after Ramadan, I hope I can. I hope for people who deal with the same thing, and wanted to fix it, hopefully you can..!
Okayyy. I love that sunlight, specially to photograph my artworks. But nap first..!
Last night was tough. Had panadols for headache. It’s not always headache, it could be migraine. Isn’t it?
Our sahur is around 5.15am. Like that, I mean. So this was my sahur for today (since in morning, AM). Rice with baked chicken, parents bought it. With few leaves of round cabbage, and Milo. Lastly, a glass of water. Had quater of jacket fish, in my language ikan cencaru sumbat sambal (sambal filled). It’s where, the back bone of the fish is cut, pocket cut. Then fill with chilies, onion, which is smash using lesung. Then fry the fish. All bought, I didn’t cook it for this time around. Maybe I will. Just don’t know when.
I had migraine, just last night. And some dizziness, after woke up hours ago. So, I guess maybe it was because of how fast I got up.
My thoughts on this matter, I kind of worry. To think deep and want to know what causes it?. I feel dilemma to know even. I could say I have panadol, which is paracetamol, where I can get it almost every store, any kind of store. I have frequently, sometimes. Sometimes I don’t at all. To talk about health matter, well, we all have it. Even for it, we need money. It’s a painful reality to learn that you want to be healthy – in terms of dealing with pain, physically like illness or fever, to get better, you need money.. For swab test in pandemic, you need to pay.
What I learned about headache and migraine so far, it’s somehow how our body signal to us, what we lack in whatever inside. It’s the same system in our blood. You know – virus or bacteria in, white blood cells fighting. Yea, that’s the one. Our body has its own unique system. But some go the other way around, which it’s really sad when we know and learn.
Since it’s fasting month, maybe I should drink more water. Our body just can signal us, but to know what we lack of, of course it’s on us.
I hope no more headache, migraine, and dizziness in next few days. I want things, my body and health, all healthy. I think like everyone else wants.
Whoever read this, I wish you all in good health. Stay safe..!