Some Thoughts: Letting Go

For some reasons I just feel like to blog out, write out, put out, name it, that’s what I feel like right now.

It’s just hard whenever there’s thing we couldn’t stop thinking or we just keep thinking about it.

Sensitive or easily effected by some sort of opinion although we disagree, or anything else, like example, how we handle stuff in the kitchen just the way we want it rather than other’s way of handling, it’s hard to over it if it constantly in mind. It’s not healthy.

When come to this topic, someone ever told me, the only way is to – let go.

And to each one of us, different effect different ways of overcoming it. Because whatever we go through, struggling in our life, each one of us have different events, moments, or past. It’s something we can’t tell people easily too, “just let it go”, no it’s not. But in my case, that someone told me with feeling of support for me at the time. And because of that, I hold on to those words and advice until now, and I guess forever..

It’s hard for me still, to put the word. But by now you read this, you will know what I’m saying.

I’ve been dealing it by myself. Only open details to people I comfortable the most. I hardly put or write out about anything that I consider personally private. Even my personal ones, I hardly put out. But in this matter, or anything of my personal experience, or things, I can now, but I only put out a tip of mine. And to do this even tough for me.. But I try, every day. As someone I met last year, telling me there’s nothing wrong to talk about personal things to people, by right no mention and detail of the person.. And as I learned, it’s true that everybody does.

And so I learned to let go. Actually even from someone who told me to do so, to let go.. A friend of mine. Who already passed but forever I hold on to the words I’ve been told by..

And recently, I started told myself, if I feel no good for my health from some people, specially for mental and emotional health.. I think and decide what’s best for myself, I’ll set boundaries. To anyone. Just any.

As realised, I did, to some people already. Where if I hold on to what’s my boundaries is, and if it’s been crossed over, I may not have interactions with them. And I feel like, can say I feel better. Although I still will have very very few little responses towards them, I just decided not to take the conversation or the answer to the extent. And I found out, that’s how I deal with these all and how I do, one step to let go, so the matter or a matter won’t play in mind for a long time.

I found out so many people did write and share in here too, about this thing, this matter. Still hard for me, but I just hope people who read, know that you’re not going through it alone. And can open up to one you feel comfortable the most. Or, if you want to share, I think it can be an awareness too, for others to know and learn about it.

And yes…. I think I do put or write out, or do my scrapbook, and focus on my artwork, or even do my gardening, it’s what I do to get to letting go process, and as I said mine, where I set boundaries with people around me. And I found out it’s work for me so far, not easy but it work. And yea… Remind myself that I can’t control everything.

So….. I hope to anyone who have tough times with letting go things like that, you can do it.

Stay strong, stay safe. You’re doing good..!

Some Thoughts: Life Phase?

It’s been awhile.

I did some changes on this section, “Some Talk” to “Some Thoughts”, because I’m not talking but just writing.. So, yeah.

Still ongoing MCO. The thing is, done my first vaccine alhamdulillah..!. Please do get yours, don’t wait.

Lately.. There’s something about, I’ve been thinking or wondering. As some of my posts about – a turning point in our lives. This time something that, kind of play role in life itself. As we human, not only enjoy our time, doing something we love only, there’s something that along with all we doing, I think.

This is my bitter gourd plants that grows healthy, so far..! Hope they all grow out well soon.

As I’ve been working on my veggies, gardening, and clean up my sisters’ room, sometimes some thing like, bang up time to time in my mind. It’s not my thing to talk about or even mention in conversation, usually, but, it’s just like wondering..?. I mean – love.

Here are just my personal opinion or view. I say it as in generally, to me.

But, as human, we have feelings. And so it’s effects our physical, emotions, and soul. The thing is, I just like, I don’t know what to say or comments when come to the topic. Say, some people can straight forward saying how much they want to be married and have family. Or, what kind of date night they would want to set. Many other things, in this one particular life phase, I called it?.

But it becomes one of that I can’t really say like many others do. Reason is, I think, because how many stories about it are just.. Sadden me up..?.

Somehow somewhat, it’s give me some kind of dilemma. Caught in between?. I believe some people do feel like it. I think it’s because how some stories being share or news that we hear, watch, or read, or know, involved two people, in love, but the relationship – somehow, not working, abuse involved, and many more, that I can’t even write in here.. It’s just sad, because we know that love is something beautiful – at least what we’ve been told.

Love – one thing that I think, it’s a feeling that stands of from many feelings and emotions. Like, crying. Could it be a joyful one, or hurtful one. It’s a feeling that involves intimacy, conquering physical, emotional, and mental and soul. So.. It’s supposed to be all in are beautiful, isn’t it?.

And if it’s beautifully all ways, surround us, it’s must be something that not pressuring or stressing, aren’t it?. I think, it’s human that cause it’s a hurt and broken matter or topic these days. And because of this, I just don’t know what to say or comments.. But some will say, happen to them. Well.. I could say, to some people, they have one in this world. And to some others, they may not meant to.. And this is just so, so hurt to me to know.. Because, somehow somewhat, it’s most people that full with love, effort, care, and such, that not get what they deserve.. In this time of era. Like, seriously..

This is a topic. And it’s totally different in every each one of us, so, I can’t say much. Just I don’t know when come to this matter, and “I don’t know” or “entah lah” in my language is usually added in my answer at the end, when relatives open talk. I say my opinion then I don’t know. Just that, it’s unclear, I guess. With how human these days?. Yea, love is fading.

Some Thoughts: Half Year MCO

It’s been awhile, but I think it’s alright.. Try to keep up again, and again.. That’s me I guess..?

How about you out there?

Here again, as I just sat on wooden chair, outside of our home, with my little sister’s cat, Sepet. The air was just nice, cool, and of course it is as I shot this about less than 10 minutes before 7pm.. My country time.

Nothing much I do. I just sat and patted Sepet, while chill out, look at the sky.. Few days ago there was rain, non stop, and two days already no rain and sunny day, hot, you can even hang some clothes and it will dry and crisp.. I like the smell somehow..

Like early this year, and now passed half year, my country still on MCO – Movement Control Order. As we know, pandemic still happening and sad to know that 6 days before Tokyo Olympic 2020 start, we got the news at the Olympic Village.. I really hope to watch it when it starts soon, of course to watch my athletes from my country to go one on one, at least there’s something we can do while facing MCO and pandemic and all.. Not feeling so off at home and reality.

But, although it’s half year already, I still dealing with personal matter, privately personal matter, which I like to call and totally no details or what’s so.. I dealt once, early this year. But I don’t know why or what, but I started to wonder again – are we really like, can feel like we’re in change to the next phase of life?. Like from baby, to adolescent, to adult, but that’s physical. I mean in spirituality or something like we’re getting old or something like, has to do with our soul..?. Like, from party and carefree and without realize, slowly we like change – like we’re not like who we used to be, like a year ago?.

I think, and believe that many of us do feel it. I don’t know personally, but I just wonder, maybe it is?.

Yet.. Somehow somewhat, some people have or get the best way of life, in their lives.. Some didn’t, or people said “not your time yet”. Which I just don’t know about it, or what to say.. Because some people, did everything as best as they could ever give. Yet.. It’s like, they hurt in same thing, same way, just from different people in their lives or matter, specifically I mean.. It’s really something that, they wish they could erase or not go through it.. Life, it’s weird.

Well, I guess.. That’s what life is?

Even in this pandemic, we see lots of things – from politic, to economy, to society help each other, some part protest, some fight, weather it’s for good reason, it happens when there’s bad….?.

Like, the Moon even shine in dark, with stars around. Like sunlight after rainstorm, there’s rainbow.. Life, ups and downs, what goes around, come around.. We human, and life itself, has a phase, I think..?.

Crazy, isn’t it…..?

Well, see if you can spot the Moon at early twilight from my photos. Stay safe people.

Some Thoughts: Sleep Schedule And Sleeping

Morning here. Need my nap soon. Which I should already..

I love morning time. What I mean by, where it’s around 8am, like that. Misty fog start to get clear. Cool breeze yet, there’s sunlight already. Leaves full with small spots of water.. It’s feel fresh and calm, which I really love to feel again.

But, as my sleep schedule just mess, I just feel I need to fix it. I need to. At the same time, which I think it’s not only me, but many others out there, where – the more we try to fix, the more it’s not working. I’ve been in for long time. I don’t like that. I love to go walk around my house ground, seeing flowers and my small garden.. Which now I’m not doing it, but after Eid, I’ll back to it.

So, it’s hard. Sleep is important. To some, it’s matter of hours of sleep. They don’t mind about at night or morning, any time, if you sleepy, just go. Which I agree. But I have things that need to be done, every day, so need sunlight – natural light, since I do outdoor work. Only at night I’ll be able to do my artworks.

I read some said – if you up and walk in early of morning, not only it’s good for physical, but also to mind, mentally and emotionally. It’s boost our overall health, which I think it’s true. Also for like our focus?. I think. That’s why I feel like I need to fix. For people who have hard time to fall asleep, really, we’re not joking about we can’t sleep or hardly to lay down, close our eyes, and just like that, sleep. No, it’s crazy. Even the sleep schedule is good, for sometime, after awhile it can break and the cycle to fix it, not easy.

A bit pressure to do it. But to me, I just need to, and after Ramadan, I hope I can. I hope for people who deal with the same thing, and wanted to fix it, hopefully you can..!

Okayyy. I love that sunlight, specially to photograph my artworks. But nap first..!

Some Thoughts: Headache And Dizzy

Last night was tough. Had panadols for headache. It’s not always headache, it could be migraine. Isn’t it?

Our sahur is around 5.15am. Like that, I mean. So this was my sahur for today (since in morning, AM). Rice with baked chicken, parents bought it. With few leaves of round cabbage, and Milo. Lastly, a glass of water. Had quater of jacket fish, in my language ikan cencaru sumbat sambal (sambal filled). It’s where, the back bone of the fish is cut, pocket cut. Then fill with chilies, onion, which is smash using lesung. Then fry the fish. All bought, I didn’t cook it for this time around. Maybe I will. Just don’t know when.

I had migraine, just last night. And some dizziness, after woke up hours ago. So, I guess maybe it was because of how fast I got up.

My thoughts on this matter, I kind of worry. To think deep and want to know what causes it?. I feel dilemma to know even. I could say I have panadol, which is paracetamol, where I can get it almost every store, any kind of store. I have frequently, sometimes. Sometimes I don’t at all. To talk about health matter, well, we all have it. Even for it, we need money. It’s a painful reality to learn that you want to be healthy – in terms of dealing with pain, physically like illness or fever, to get better, you need money.. For swab test in pandemic, you need to pay.

What I learned about headache and migraine so far, it’s somehow how our body signal to us, what we lack in whatever inside. It’s the same system in our blood. You know – virus or bacteria in, white blood cells fighting. Yea, that’s the one. Our body has its own unique system. But some go the other way around, which it’s really sad when we know and learn.

Since it’s fasting month, maybe I should drink more water. Our body just can signal us, but to know what we lack of, of course it’s on us.

I hope no more headache, migraine, and dizziness in next few days. I want things, my body and health, all healthy. I think like everyone else wants.

Whoever read this, I wish you all in good health. Stay safe..!

Some Thoughts: Sleepiness..?

Yesterday’s just I consider myself really sleepy. Even I had a nap, it was totally not a good one. Should I be worried?

So I had rice, a small portion of mackerel, and lettuce salad leaves, so far two leaves only. A mug of Milo, a kuih pelita (Malay traditional dessert), and last one, a glass of water. But additional half a glass, after that. And forgot to have a slice of wholemeal bread with peanut butter and jam or strawberry jam, so I would be feeling full, through out the day of fasting.. And I totally forgot..

My sleep schedule just a mess, even before this year’s Ramadan.

And last night, at midnight, I was totally sleepy. The thing is, the sleepiness, how I can describe it as – partial sleepy, between wanting to stay awake, but don’t want to be both either conditions. Kind of worry, as sleep is a need and play role in our lives as human. I don’t know what the cause, I wonder sometimes. But at the same time, thinking about it can lead to some other wondering. If you get what I mean.

So, usually, I just go with how my body feel. Yea, there was time, being like this and suddenly, just like snap – sleepiness kicked in, I was so sleepy, I just wanted to sleep. It’s like, our body can fix, alter some of stuff or what our body needs to be able to make a move when we up in the morning. Crazy if to think, right?. Like white blood cells trying to fight some bacteria or virus, if it get in to our body. Amazing.

Well, guess I should. So yea, a nap. Thinking about what to cook, every day.. My brain need a rest too, right. So give ourselves a time to relax, chill, rest, lazy, once awhile.

Maybe it’s just like a medicine to some we want to fix, a little bit. Like sleep schedule.

Some Thoughts: Misty Morning

Just done watch series on Netflix, of course, for now. Still continue the series.

Can say it’s very foggy, misty today. I decided to take a nap in living room, near my work desk. Since it’s monsoon season, my state experience thunder and heavy rain. Hardly to see blue sky, for awhile and missing it, actually.

Maybe for now, this section will be what I’ll be doing. And sahur thing, thought, like that.. Not bad for me. I hope anyone who read, enjoy it.

As photo above, my sahur. Just same one from our break fast, early yesterday’s night. It’s tomato rice, Ayamas chicken, and lettuce salad leaves. Had donut, Milo, and last one – a glass of water.

Watch Netflix series and, thinking about my sleep schedule, which I feel like, seriously not good.. I didn’t feel really sleepy like I used to. I feel like I need that sleepy, so I can just sleep, right after lay on bed, like some people who born just like that – sleep. Lucky them.

Thinking also about my gardening routine. As I can’t keep up with it, for now. As I have my nap after dawn. While in the after noon, thunder and rain cloud already above. Lightning appear and sound loud, scared me. Even on other time, if there’s thunder and lightning, I wouldn’t go outside. If I’m gardening at the time, I’ll just have to stop. Raining season and energy, uhm hehh kind of drop.. So, just don’t force ourselves, right?. Maybe after Ramadan, I’ll get back to it. Really hope that.

As for today, I think I’ll cook something. Additional menu, I have just to wait. It’s pass dawn already, sunlight appear and mist slowly gone.. And, now, just a nap.

Some Thoughts: Chilling Day

Guess I keep blogging, as I think for this year Ramadan.. Energy not really cooperate.

I had two wholemeal bread, eggs, and tuna mayonnaise mixed, and cabbage leaves. It’s last part of round cabbage by the way.

Just nothing much, until I get what I can put on my blog, like topic or something, this section only I guess. I have actually.. Just.. Time. Because mostly I just feel like chilling, lately, specially after cooking.

Today maybe the day, since I no need to cook. Parents will be at meeting, check out my siblings, and just waiting for foods, for break our fast. We need that kind of day, right?. Lazy day, they called it. I need it too, I think. Just for today, and just at night, I’ll cook for sahur. Usually, just simple menu. Target for energy, eggs and rice for others, for me, like the photo.

“Lazy day”. I read about it back then. And truth is, it’s reduce stress, hormones that not good for us, if we let ourselves being in it. I did talk about this with my parents, siblings sometimes. It’s a need, a must, once awhile, to remove unwanted ones in our body, which can effect us. There’s movies that picturing this one matter, will put my thoughts in the future.

So, I think, just today. But of course, everything else, need to get it done. Which any of it. If I feel not doing it, I just keep it at one point, continue doing it the next day. It’s never ending things, isn’t it?.

So, yea.. I hope you guys who read this, please do the same, if you feel so. If it’s just not you, it’s alright too.

Some Thoughts: Thoughts 2

I feel like to continue about yesterday’s, regarding life – point or moment that change us in life, in every aspect.

Can’t remember when I took the photo above, maybe early this year?

I, express a bit of what I’ve dealt with on my IG story. More than any other social medias of mine, because I feel not too expose. As we know, these days, we, people express or vent by writing or post online, but many still prefer to share with whom they trust.. But, not always there’s people who want to lend their ear and shoulders. And it’s.. The sad thing.. Specially, to people that go through so much, ones that gives all of them..

But, people said “it’s what life is all about”.. Life. What we want in our lives?. To be exact, I don’t think people these days really know, of course including myself. As anyone else, I have my struggle, just.. Hardly now I want to share.. See how we human have become.. So, with social media, it’s like additional field nowadays. Like, business – so many fields and branches. In one field, it has so many sub-field, just, many.

Career path, they say. As an artist.. Of course I love it. At the same time, I’m not at all..

It’s what we have learned and to know, what we want to be, since school. To continue study, get certificate, and build career?. Finished school and business?. Or just do whatever that can make money, like non stop..?. Little that we know, as time goes, things change a lot. And more and more, number of people stress and pressure, anxiety and depression hits hard since last century.. Just to make money.

Money – one of need, we can’t deny that. I can’t deny that. With money than we can have food. But, it’s more than just to have money to buy, pay, and sell. Any, to be clear. Shelter, clothes, medical supplies, to go to school, and even, to make business as to make money, by doing what we love as a career or business, still need – money. It’s the reality of life, now. Actually, for a long time ago. We know that, right.. But, because of this, sometimes and some people started to feel like “what I want in life?”. With struggle come and go, ups and downs, fall and get back up, truths is, it’s open our eyes.

“What I want in life?” – a question that at least once in our lives time, we will ask to ourselves. It’s become our step to ourselves on what we want to do.. I think, I could say. So.. After sometimes, since pandemic started last year.. Well.. I realize, on this matter.

What I learned, since grew up, and grow old, doing what I do now, love it, paper to paper to another.. But with what happened right now, it’s tough.. The art scene itself effected really bad, not only the artists, but all that involves.

It’s give me the effects too. But I know that, there’s nothing much I can do. I only can just do my artworks. But what I want at the same time?.

“Don’t want any stress or pressure. Just do my artworks. No more chasing submission. Enjoy the process, let go if can’t catch up. If not feeling it, leave. Watch Netflix, drama, movies. Do gardening, play with soil. Cooking time, enjoy the moment. Smell and have a taste. Have a mug of Milo. Eat well but have some donuts or pizza. Just, being at home and do my things..”

I have no judgment on women that want to become full time housewife, it’s a good thing, since house chores is a never ending things in our lives to deal with. Of course, it’s not a gender role thing, men in this too, together. But just talking about “women that choose to be”. Respect for those choose it. If a woman or person want to, I think no need to tell them to go out to make money, unless they want to do so. And also if it’s other way around. Both good and have reasons why. We don’t know their situation at the end..

But, as an artist, I just wanted to do show. If I’m feeling stuck between the process and love it at the same time, I’ll go outside, gardening, or bake some biscuits or cake.. A simple life, they said?

It’s not bad, isn’t it..?

This is just mine, totally. Please do respect if you know whoever that choose a different kind of vibes in life, simple or whatever. It’s a choice of a person who deal with something we don’t know somehow.. I hope, things gonna be alright. With what I’m currently working on..

Some Thoughts: Thoughts 1

It’s been a long time since last one.

I’ve been going through some kind of phase, which I feel and don’t know, at the same time – is it a phase as human, and each of individuals in this world will go through?

It’s, really tough to even write.

Moreover, when it comes to personally private (which I called, where involved other people or family). I’ve said it before, I wouldn’t go with details of details about things that I will post or write. I believe many and every one will go through in life..

Every one has their own struggle. A point where, things happen, and will open up views, of every day thought and opinions to be different than what self agree. View in every aspect of life, daily basis, work and job, to basic needs of human and relationships. Not only on self, but towards other people that close and around a person’s. Not only at home, but in a work place to where we hangout with family and friends..

So, what’s your moment, things that happened, where you think and consider it as a.. Turning point in life?

I’ll continue on this about later on. Since it’s Ramadan, I need a nap. Since it’s already after dawn..